cheesy is back, baby. its been forever, and nobody does it better these days than Alphabeat.


cheers.

the past month has been intense - all of a sudden there's so much i don't know, so much i must know, so much thats expected of me. i think i've learnt more in one month in station life than the six months spent back at the academy. but i keep getting scared its not enough, i keep worrying i dont know enough. and i hate it, i hate feeling inadequete and useless- its a terrible feeling, like some extra deadweight that people simply lug around just because and have no practical use for. i realise that im probably not the most physically gifted person, and its going take some time for me to fully adapt and quite really perform, but i daresay im quite determined to make use of my time left in service to actually do something worthwhile with my time. i was telling my brother that for the first time i feel like im really contributing to something. its probably a disgustingly microscopic contribution, but a contribution nonetheless, something i could tell the grandkids or smth.

at the very least there's quite a bit of time for myself now. caught up with people, ploughed through necesarry things like some books and movies, even met Mr Gaiman when he came down. which doesnt really help me explain why the lj's been so quiet for so long does it. in any case, having free time as opposed to having no time at all for the past few months is a welcome change and hopefully i'll get things done and pick up something. its quite unfortunate that people everywhere are either schooling, working or in camp tho. all this free alone time makes my mind wander, and sometimes i dont really like that.

it feels so weird typing thoughts down, i almost thought i forgot how to do it.



People in love get special treatment
People in love get everything wrong
People in love their hearts get eaten
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
They'll never be lonely

-The Feeling really got it right.



cheers.

words dont come so easily in dorm 13. and there is a rush to press the keys down, keys in sequence, 30-odd keys to arrange and rearrange and arrange some more. but you know what, its okay. i dont mind, for one of the rare times in my life i dont feel like i dont have to brood over things too much, not everything has to be tossed and turned over in my head in order to have meaning. perhaps this is just the high that accompanies the realisation that the end is near, its finally within reach. when the assessor said "exercise cut" just now i felt so much at once. there was relief, there was joy, there was sadness too (i'll miss this dorm and the people here, i know it). but whatever ambivalence there is, one thing is certain. its here. all those long hours, all those bucketloads of sweat, the smiles and tears and fears. its all leading up to this period.

Of course i cant forget people outside of camp who've stood by me for so long throughout these 20 plus weeks. i might be getting ahead of myself, but seriously guys, you know who you are and saying thank you a thousand times would nowhere nearly be enough.

i just know im gonna be all crummy inside for the next fweek, not very good with goodbyes and adapting all over again.

after those 24 hours in alexandra fire station, i feel as though the doubt and cynicism that has caked my eyes has been rubbed off. attachment did not only let me catch a glimpse of life in station, but more importantly i think, it gave me a sense of (dare i say it?) pride to be associated to the force - a feeling that has been absent for far too long. i made sure to not get in anyone's way, to help in anyway i could, to ask ask ask even if it was a bit persistent. i think they didn't mind. you could feel the compassion and urgency whenever there was a turnout, it became almost tactile - these people were ready to save lives, even if it meant putting their own on the line.

it was inspiring the way the personnel went out of their way to make sure everyone was alright, be it on the fire or ambulance side. there were so many occasions where the rendering of help was not part of duty, like for example conveying this old woman to the hospital (her stats weren't critical so, by the book, ambulance service isnt supposed to be provided). but you cant quantify things like joint pains or wheezing or other obvious signs of discomfort, so convey her we did. and altho i know there are people who would surely call the ambulance for a free ride, its good to know that doubt is the furthest thing in the minds of these attendees. or rather, their top priority is the caring of patients, no matter what kind.

3 more weeks, 3 more weeks. future hariz will have to deal with saying goodbye and closure tho, nnghn.

its weird, lately i feel like i dont understand anything anymore these days. its not just things i've been learning in ers, not simply not knowing who the hell i am these days (as per mentioned previously). its as though i cant even remember what its like to have a firm grasp of something. everything that goes thru my mind now is like a gooey blob in a lava lamp, its never solid or concrete. maybe i have been doing math and science for too long, but there's suddenly so much uncertainty in everything i see and do. and it scares the hell out of me. i used to think i was one who could form firm opinions about something, or quickly understand anything thats presented to me. but now its as though i know nothing. facts take forever to be imprinted into my head, and even when they do they eventually flake away - either by my own forgetfulness perhaps or just my inability to fully understand something. its very hard to put this into words, i dont even understand this problem completely. but im facing it everyday, this sudden spout of misunderstanding. it sickens me, really, in a way i cant for the life of me put into decent text.

life is passing in blurry 24 hour chunks. i go thru a day, somehow survive and then go onto the next. i wonder what happened to my resolve to reflect, to grow from experiences. i know, inevitably and subconsciously i do take in things but i cant help being angry at myself for not trying harder to develop from whatever ive done. it just feels so wasted, and so disgustingly lazy. maybe thats why i find that i dont exactly
understand myself anymore. it shows, people keep telling me ive changed and that im reserved and quieter. i'd like to blame national service but its not solely that. by not giving much thought to things i think ive grown somewhat apathetic and dumb. i dont like it, i dont think its supposed to be like this. already now i find this entry painfully difficult to type out, but it must be done, i need to get this out of my
system before it wraps itself even more tightly around my head and i become unable to verbalise anything. i thought brunei gave me a lot of time to think. and it did, i pondered over relationships, thought over what i've been doing in the past and where im heading towards. perhaps thats what intensified all this paranoia, the sudden realisation that my individuality had somehow lost its way somewhere.

if life has been one thing though, its been very sneaky. i would never have expected so much to happen so fast. ive had my fair share of surprises, including the poor ex-classmate whose passing shall always be a reminder to how fragile and temporal life is. or how a relative of mine has been diagnosed with cancer, just like my late parents.its almost funny, many people who you thought were forever slowly dwindle to quiet memories and (if you're lucky) new ones come in to take their place, holding that place in your head that the previous people kept warm. when i was a lot younger i thought losing people was something that happened to other people, and that i wouldnt have to worry about that for at least awhile. i found out first-hand that that most definitely isnt true, but the trick lies in picking yourself up after. it takes all the strength in the world, and perhaps even more, but you need to get up and keep going, no matter how excruciating it is.

There's been a lot dreaming going on lately in my life. Dreaming about a lawless life, dreams about my parents, dreams of things like mists and girls and university and passing out. Dreams of what-ifs. Reading about Dream (I brought Sandman to camp), talking about dreams. So many of us grasp onto these dreams, cling to them to find direction in life, or search clarification from them. I think its the life in camp that does this, but I dont particularly mind. Before I thought I had quite the good idea of who I was, but since 10 March I find myself constantly reevaluating who I am and looking inwardly. I guess identity is really never cast in stone, there's so much in life to experience and, in doing so, so much to discover about ourselves. I realise how little I know about anything, and to be frank I think its quite pathetic actually.

Its always on the sunday afternoons that everything suddenly looks darker and heavier. Furniture, the walls, the grapes im eating, they all look sad. Or saddening I might say. Its not that im suffering in camp or anything - its probably being stuck in the place and system for too long. I'm meeting awesome people and have been enjoying a lot, but the slow crawl that is the past 4 months has been quite excruciating. There's still 2 more to go, I keep telling myself its all downhill from here, you're going to be okay, you can do this. I just hope self-consolation can sustain me when it starts to get real tough soon, what with the brunei trip and final exercises coming up.

My writing skills and thought processes and starting to degenerate. guh.

is awesome. and not just become they used one of the Greatest songs of all time.
its too bad they'll only start rolling episodes out in fall.


Cheers.

This is the part thats hard, the part where i start to run out of daylight and the Sunday starts to end. Funnily its probably one of the hardest times, worse than 2.4 in bunker gear, or PT with BA set, or getting your ass shouted at whilst (wrongly) coupling this hose to this hose ("its this hose, wake up your bloody idea!"). The amount of strength it takes to drag myself out of bed and start packing is crazy, and by the time I start there's barely enough time so I rush. And I double check, triple check I have my tag, my 11B, my gutters, everything. The paranoia of leaving something behind is something I dont think I'll ever get over.

By the time I reach the bunk I feel fine tho. Dorm 13 kilat, haha.



Cheers.

//omg wondergirls

till friday then. or thurs for this week

Weekends dont feel like weekends anymore, just like how a can of coke isnt just a can or how a dinner with friends is just a meal. The time in camp's done a thing or two to my senses, and all of a sudden satisfaction isnt that hard to find anymore. Its almost everywhere, in things like seeing the familiar sight of home, things like a plate of solely missed home cooked food, like meticulously organised birthday surprises, or in the voices of friends and family. Everything just seems so much more valuable, i dont even want to waste my time clearing my 87 unread emails (thanks brightsparks). I take in as much as I can, talk as much as I can, walk run shout play as much as I can, so that when its sunday evening and I'm trudging back to Jalan Bahar in the blue uniform and black boots and bag I get to replay everything all over again. All the conversations and the mental pictures I took, I go through them again, and I don't find going back to camp difficult at all. Not when I know that the in another 5 days I get to go back to so much. 

Its not like camp is all torture though. When we all meet before marching back into camp you can tell everyone's sad to leave the weekend. Its with a heavy heart that we greet one another and board the bus, you can tell by seeing how they try to mask it behind half-smiles and furious texting. But no one broods about it for too long. Sadness is replaced with laughs and mindless banter, and very soon everyone accepts it and moves on. Anecdotes and teasing are exchanged - I learn not to count down to friday, and instead, laugh at whatever's happening at the moment. Then, while the sight of the camp might overcome me with so much lethargy and a weird sort of quasiness, I march on, remembering to swing my arms 90 degrees to the front and 45 to the back, finding comfort in knowing that I am not the only one fighting against the aura that the camp exudes. If I have learnt anything in life, its that communal suffering is so much better than the solitary variety.

Be back on Fri, ta.

today was quite nice, cousin's bday celebrations were nice, family food is always good, cake was awesome, biking felt good and swensens after was a nice way to end it all.

away till tues to genting with reg shir sahmadi jessie. packing really sucks i keep thinking i forget something. bus leaves in abt 5 hours in boon lay and here i am still awake.


cheers.

i wish i read the Bell Jar prior to As. i keep thinking it would have helped (and even though it probably would have not) reading Plath being slightly more coherent and verbose would have been a nice change of scenery. i really like it, this change in medium and its a pity there's only this and her journals, which the libaries place under the reference section for some reason. its quite nice tho to see her mythologising in action, its almost chilling how her images conjure the same reactions, no matter what genre. am not exactly sure why they say her character is mad, everything she says and thinks about make sense to me so far. but then again, im less than halfway thru the book. either that, or perhaps im not all that mentally sound too. but that would be egoistic, wouldnt it.

( slightly spoiler-y? )

Oscar season. Tis good.


Cheers.

Suddenly as we were walking, walking through one of those somewheres we walked today, I felt that those questions that have no answers didnt really matter any more. Maybe it wasnt during the walking, it could have been when we were busy doing nothing the whole day, or running from the rain, or something, I can't remember, but it hit me. Perhaps it wasnt sudden after all, perhaps it was this cumulative thing that I just realised was there. But really, it does not matter. Not really. I mean, worries and uncertainties will be there, much like how sand is with slippers on the beach. It gets to you, its irritating but its everywhere and if you give an actual fuck about the sand in your slippers then you'd be too busy giving said fuck to notice anything else. It doesnt go away; in fact even more of it sticks to you, but after a while you forget all about it. And soon you find yourself covered in sand - dusting it off would be impossible; it gets everywhere. But you forget how it bothered you before and its hard to let it bother you again.

( today )

Cheers.

It is odd that my brother is most vocal at night, right before he sleeps (not that he's the silent type normally). But our conversations escalate to such heights its impossible to fall asleep, no matter how late it is or how tired we are. So now while waiting for the delivery guy to bring oily black pepper beef patties he's playing one of the Half Life episodes on The Orange Box while I decide to finally churn out something.

Its so fucking easy to compare, I dont understand how people can keep saying that you shouldnt. We were taught to never think about how unfair life or God or whatever has been to us. We were taught to be thankful for what we have and for being who we are. But you just cant stop the mind from wandering, you cant stop feelings like envy and frustration from seeping into your head. And it isnt as though they are both two mutually exclusive extremes, I think its perfectly possible to look at the lives of others longingly while still being appreciative. How else would one see what is lacking in one's life, and better the life you've been given? Life is never easy for anyone, it certainly hasn't been the softest bed of flowers for me, but if we're not allowed to juxtapose our lives how else do we achieve individual growth? I just dont get why people so firmly latch onto the belief that others are incapable of doing nothing more than wallow and drown in their own misery whenever they see what they lack. The frustration does undeniably make its presence felt, but surely people are more than just their pessimistic emotions?

I realise I do not really like being 18. Or 19, if you give me 2 more months. All it does is pose more and more questions; questions that I believe do not have any real answers to them. I thought I was done growing up. Maybe its a good thing that i book in in a month's time.


Cheers.